7 Bizarre Inventions Throughout History
As a species, we are fond of creating things that make our lives easier. Every generation wants to create its own inventions designed to resolve problems we have or sometimes, problems that don’t even exist.
Step forward great thinkers such as Thomas Alva Edison - inventor of the lightbulb, the phonograph, carbon microphone and even the motion picture camera.
Image credit: Depositphotos - bilhagolan
These are the inventions that have shaped our past to what we’re more familiar with now. If he had never invented the lightbulb, would we still be scuttling around the darkness nursing the tender flames of guttering candles? Or would someone else have invented the humble giver of electric light?
However, there are those inventions that aren’t so useful, but no less ambitious. Lost to the mists of time (and for good reason), we can look at them with wonder and belly laughs.
Let’s point and stare at some absurd devices invented by people who really should have stuck to their day job…
Man-Powered Flying Machine
Ah, those men and their marvelous flying machines! Who said flying should be all about relaxing and chilling while watching your favorite film on those tiny screens?
This unique invention is a pedal-powered contraption that allows the rider to leave the confines of their terra firma prison, and sail like an eagle through the skies above. As quoted directly from the patent description,
“Mankind has long been searching for a structure which will enable him to fly through the air unassisted by chemical or gaseous agents other than his own muscular power.”
Inventor: Kuan Shang-Ming. Date of Patent: March 1978. Patent No: US 408,1155.
Although, I'm sure a vindaloo and real ale the night before might help in forward propulsion from the assistance of gaseous agents!
Either way, this marvelous invention explains how the rider has to pedal with the strength and energy of someone fearing plummeting to their deaths, causing a shaft to rotate and power a fan system. This, by the way, consists of flat fans and elastic bands. I’m assuming he’s Staples No.1 customer.
This, the inventor claims, “gives sufficient propulsive thrust to drive the machine forward.” He doesn't mention how long the rider can stay in the air for before their legs give up and they fall to imminent doom. He also doesn't mention how high the lucky owner of such a device can get. Are we talking nosebleed height? Or maybe just high enough to knock people over like skittles - those ‘walking-with-their-legs’ fools!
Method for Preserving the Dead
Wouldn't it be lovely if our dearly departed didn't actually leave us? Buried under the ground with only worms for company. Imagine if they could be right there with you in the living room or propped up against the wall in the dining room?
Well, this invention has solved those problems! Enter the latest patent for keeping dear old Grandmama right with you, by turning them into a giant paperweight!
Inventor: Joseph Karwowski. Date of Patent: Dec 1903. Patent No: US 748, 284.
The unhinged insanity doesn't end there! If you live in a more bijou accommodation, you can pick a body part instead. Wow, you say! Yep, so why not have dear ol’ mother’s head perched on the mantelpiece? She can stare down at you, forever watching with her dead eyes.
I’m certainly liking the second option. On a windy day, you can take her with you and use her to keep that picnic blanket still while you eat your sandwiches. I would recommend keeping said memento mori out of direct sunlight. You wouldn't want to be starting small fires if the sun catches that glass at a bad angle.
Combustible Gas-Powered Pogo Stick
Scooters are soo last year. Heelys? Who even remembers them? Those are the gifts for losers. Get with the times, people, and buy your child a gas-powered pogo stick.
Inventor: Gordon Spitzmesser. Date of Patent: Jan 1958. Patent No: US 2, 929, 459.
The description doesn’t state how high the child may go, but I would advise not to use it near any overhead electric cables or under bridges. It also does not mention the noise, but if you have annoying neighbors, then perhaps this is the ultimate revenge. Although, it may not end well for the user.
However, the inventor claims, “...is extremely safe and harmless and of tremendous entertainment value.” So, grab your helmet and kneepads and see how high you can fall… I mean, fly!
Apparatus for Walking on the Water
Why did sea travel have to become so easy? Yachts, boats, catamarans… yawn. Henry Rowlands saw a gap in the market here and quickly riffled through the furthest reaches of his mind and came up with this spiffing invention.
Inventor: Henry R Rowlands. Date of Patent: Dec 1858. Patent no: US 22, 457.
This nifty device consists of two small twin boats secured together by two swiveling bars. Upright poles or stanchions allow the user to steady himself. Then, it’s just a matter of walking as if on land. Hinged flaps under each boat allow for easy forward motion and prevent backward motion, cos no one wants to be treading water, baby!
They even come with their own ballast, rudders and small pumps to remove water. Ingenious! There’s no mention of how ultra strong your legs have to be to operate one of these. But, if you find yourself being pulled out by a riptide while using one of these bad boys, you may need more than a water pump and strong calf muscles. Thoughts and prayers, anyone?
The sharks are already circling…
Improvement in Fire Escapes
Described as:
“Devices for lowering persons from buildings or the like by making use of jumping devices, e.g. jumping-sheets, jumping-mattresses.”
For those unfortunate enough to find themselves trapped in a burning building, this ingenious invention will save your life! The inventor realized far too many people were dying in fires and he simply wasn’t going to stand for it any longer!
A parachute attached to the upper body allows the ill-fated user to leap with grace from their fiery doom and fall gently to earth. What about when they hit the ground, you say? No worries, it also comes with elastic bottom pads that fit around the shoes so the person can bounce as they hit the ground, like an elegant frog, you might say.
Inventor: Benjamin B Oppenheimer. Date of Patent: Nov 1879. Patent No: US 221, 855.
Although the inventor did not give precise descriptions of how the parachute would be attached to the body, the artist went with a chinstrap attached to the helmet from which the parachute opens.
So, not only will the user most likely experience a broken neck thanks to the weight of their own body being suspended from the medieval torture device, their limp body will provide spectators with a playful bounce as they hit the dirt. Oh, how the ladies will scream.
In other words, with this invention, you have not just one choice of death, but two! Broken neck or smoke inhalation? Hmmm, that’s a thinker.
Apparatus for Simulating a “High Five”
Yes, it is as sad as it sounds. Imagine poor old Cosmo sitting at home, watching the sports with no one to share that beautiful moment his team scores.
The description reads:
“During a televised sporting event, a "high five" is commonly shared between fans to express the joy and excitement of a touchdown, home run, game-winning basket, birdie or other positive occurrence. Unfortunately, as known in the art, a "high five" requires the mutual hand slapping of two participants, wherein a first participant slaps an upraised hand against the elevated hand of a second participant. As such, a solitary fan is unable to perform a "high five" to express excitement during a televised sporting event.”
Inventor: Albert Cohen. Date of Patent: Dec 1993. Patent No: US 5, 356, 330.
Fret no more, Cosmo. Your robotic buddy is ready to be there by your side! Through thick and thin, it will high five you, comfort you in times of trouble, make you a soothing camomile tea (I made those last two up).
Apparently it can be made with any style of arm (are there different styles of human arm we’re not aware of?) and can even have sounds. Cheering perhaps? What about mocking sounds when your team loses? A cheap friend by any means and one that will never argue with you.
Improved Burglar Trap
Last, but not least, is the rather innovative burglar trap. Invented by William Carr, he clearly didn't like the idea of ne’er-do-wells breaking into his home or shop and stealing all his lovely things. What if they were to finger through his wife’s underwear drawer? What would the neighbors say?
It takes time for the police to arrive, providing burglars with ample time to escape into the fog-riddled night. Not to mention any weapons they may conceal and use without discrimination.
Inventor: Williams Carr. Date of Patent: May 1868. Patent No: US 77, 582.
Carr needed something instant, something secure. By Jove, he had it! He created a chamber under the floor the burglar would fall through. His weight would pull the trap doors shut and lock them. We’re going to have to assume the shop owners remember the booby-trap each time they step through the door, or find themselves swallowed whole by their own trap to share a rather tight space with an angry burglar.
“The apparatus is so arranged that the burglar rests upon-a false bottom, which is connected to the trap doors with rods or chains, by which means the weight of the occupant serves to keep the doors closed, and thus prevents his escape.”
The following morning, the would-be victim can remove the burglar and send them off to the choky. Even better, if you’ve been on a long holiday, you can simply pull out the festering corpse of the burglar and toss them out on bin collection day.
This was only a small selection of inventions that probably should have stayed in the ideas stage. But, obviously, the inventors refused to be held back by common sense and physics. There are many more besides, and even in the modern age, the crazy inventions keep on coming. God bless those stubborn souls with too much time on their hands.
Image credit: Depositphotos - everett225
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