10 Hilarious Comic Book Mail Order Ads (And some for the adults, too)
Comic books have been around for years and we’re all familiar with the lurid colours of action heroes, quirky characters and episodic tales all told in a series of boxes.
Back in the 50s, 60s, and 70s, long before the age of social media and smartphones, yesterday’s youth had to find alternate ways to entertain themselves. Reading was one of them.
Besides the adventures in each issue, once you had gotten over the excitement of each story, at the back of the comic were adverts aimed at children offering some amazing delights.
Imagine owning your own X-ray spex so you could become the next generation’s perv! Or how about becoming the next great prankster and get yourself some snapping gum or a hand buzzer? My God, the possibilities!
People quickly learned these products were a huge con aimed at the gullible and easily entertained. Not that any of these items were expensive, but still they promised so much and delivered so little.
Let’s take a look at some of the hilarious ads:
1. Black Dragon Fighting Society Book
HII-YAA!!!
Imagine owning this little beauty! Yes, you too could be the next ‘Deadliest Man Alive’!! Whether you were bullied at school and wanted to get revenge on your enemies or you just wanted to brush up on your supreme fighting skills (and who doesn’t?). This little gem of a book will reveal all the secrets. And it’s totally free!
2. Space Shoes
Boing, boing, boing
Wow! Now you too will know how Buzz Aldrin felt when he scampered across the moon. Feel that weightlessness as you hop cheerily along like a mad bunny riddled with myxomatosis. You can speed through the park showing everyone how it’s done!
Get out of the way, Granny, I’m coming through! For added security, they have buckled straps, so you can show the paramedic how you twisted your ankle without losing one in the bushes. It’s satisfaction guaranteed!
3. X-Ray Spex
Come a little closer, laydees....
Apparently, this scientific principle really works. Although I think they’re playing fast and loose with the whole science thing. It reads:
“...Look at your friend. Is that really his body you see under his clothes?...” (wait, what?)
The silhouette of the woman tells you the reason why so many boys back in the day probably ordered these by the bucket load. I can’t imagine what went through their minds when they looked up just as their mother stepped into the living room.
Also, why would you want to see your friends naked? Besides acting like a creep, these spex promised loads of laughs and fun at parties. Although they don’t mention how many slaps the wearer received after admitting they were wearing the perv glasses.
4. Throw Your Voice
What better way to spend an afternoon than gaslighting dear old grandad and making him believe he’s hearing voices? That’ll teach him to be tight with his pocket money!
This product promises total hilarity by throwing your voice and making the unsuspecting think there is someone trapped in a cupboard or a burglar lurking behind the bathroom door.
Imagine having to spend an hour learning about boring old algebra in school. Instead, whip out the instrument and get your teacher to believe there’s a student hiding under the table - no, wait! The stationary cupboard. No, they must be in the filing cabinet! Haha! The fool.
5. Bow-Lite Tie!
I'm gonna be soo popular...
I bet you never realised how easy it was back in the 50s to woo women with bow-ties? This apparently sensational electric bow-lite tie promises not only to wow the ladies, but win new friends, too!
All the townsfolk will gather round to get involved in the laughing riot, all keen to be your special friends. It works by means of a hidden lever concealed in your pocket. Just picture the faces of the patrons in the coffee shop as you dazzle them with your electric wonder. Form an orderly queue, ladies!
And if this attracts the wrong kind of attention, you can bust some Jackie Chan moves on them thanks to your little book of Black Dragon Fighting Society!
6. Polaris Nuclear Submarine
Step aside Red October, Jimmy's got some kitchen roll rubes to fire!
Wholly nutcrackers! Check out Jimmy’s new submarine! Yes, you can own a submarine all for a bargain price of $6.98. It’s even big enough for two kids. Not only that, it also boasts a real periscope (cardboard tube), electrically lit instrument panel (small oven bulb or possibly shiny stickers), and if you wish to destroy your enemies; rockets that fire!
Yes, even Mum can teach that neighbour’s cat a lesson by torpedoing the furball into next week with a nuclear missile! No more cat poop in her garden. The ad goes on to explain with utmost confidence it is of a sturdy construction weighing in at 200 lb and promises hours and hours of fun.
Where does the 2nd child fit?
In reality, the sub was nothing more than a cardboard box. Big promises for a sub that could be destroyed if left out in the rain or in a puddle. Little Jimmy won’t be hunting for any sunken treasures in that thing. The lost gold of long dead pirates will forever remain hidden in the depths of the ocean floor.
7. Grow Seven Monsters
The unimaginable horror...of plants
The trend of bold promises continued with an ad that guaranteed not one, not two, not even six, but seven monsters you could grow from magical seeds and all for the bargain price of $1. It’s an absolute steal! (From your wallet, obvs).
Only until you read the side heading does it mention these terrifying monsters were nothing more than plants. Unlike the misleading picture, giving the impression you were about to go full Godzilla mode on your local town, the “monsters” size is not specified; probably because they would stand at a whopping height of an inch or so. The ad states, “each grows up to several months!” I’m guessing this plant grows slower than grass seed.
You’d probably have more fun growing one of these instead:
Mr Grasshead
8. Flexy Racer
Move out the way, Ma
What about the kids who didn't have a few cents to spare on some wicked junk? Well, they could enter a competition and win a death trap! Cleverly disguised as a giant skateboard, this deadly strip of wood on rickety wheels could potentially provide you with hours of fun... at A&E!
For those children who had a death wish and a desire to break their necks or smash their noggins into a wall, they could win this Flexy Racer. All the other boys and girls will be well jel. The ad boasts:
“Steers like a motorcycle. Two-wheel brakes stop on a dime with handle bar control. Swell for ‘belly-whopping,’ pulling friends or packages, too.”
So, if little Jimmy needs to earn some extra cash, he can use it to deliver parcels. Got to earn his keep somehow. Use it to dodge around obstacles like people or traffic. Get out of the way, walking losers! Buses? No problem, just zoom under them and watch the bus driver slam on the brakes. How many passengers can knock their teeth out on the metal bar of the chair in front? It’s a prize that keeps on giving. Just watch out for those potholes, now.
People laughed in the face of death back then.
9. Machine Gun
Develop deadly target skills!
You know the old saying; ‘the things you see when you haven't got a gun.’ Well, that will no longer be a problem. For $1.98, you can own your very own machine gun. Just think of all the people you hate and braap, braap them into oblivion!
The ad promises a full supply of ammunition, loads with a magazine (no, not a Woman’s Weekly), a full size target for practice. Not sure what or who this full-size target is, and fires 10 rounds straight into Mr Wilkins’ prize courgettes.
Not sure what parent thought their child was psychopathic enough to want a machine gun. The description states it is water-cooled and loaded with devastating firepower. What better way than to give your children a taste for blood and murder than buying them their very first machine gun? Kids these days have no idea.
10. Fake Vomit
Never sit a test again!
We’ve all been there. Stuck in school on a lovely summer’s day, wishing we could be outside playing. Or perhaps about to sit a test we didn’t revise for.
Be a school inmate no more with this realistic puke. Make the noise, throw the vomit next to you and hey presto! You’re sent home sick. Now you have time to play with your machine gun and chase all the old ladies from the bus stop.
And now something for the adults.
It wasn't just children who were targeted for terrible products back in the day. Adults weren't immune either. I’ve discovered some rather amusing ads aimed at the older generation.
1. Facial Hair for Baldy Faces
Quick change to suit your mood times!
Hey, sexy, what’s that crawling over your face? Yes, according to the ad, you can enjoy an exciting, romantic look, which impresses anytime!
For those men who just didn't have the time to grow facial hair or couldn’t, they could simply buy some modacrylic and glue it to their face. Genius! The hair comes in a variety of shades with deluxe versions too, for that extra hairiness. Ladies will swoon on seeing their manly man stride proudly into the bedroom, stroking their bristle batons.
It doesn't explain the strength of the glue or how long it remains sticky. It also doesn’t guarantee its durability when eating food or drinking. ‘Um, darling, there appears to be a baby Wookie in your soup.’ Never mind, you’ve already hooked her with your "Deluxe Van Dyke" charms.
2. Nazi Replicas
Achtung, baby!
It’s difficult to know what to buy the Nazi in your life. Well, fret no more with these authentic reproductions. Helmets, badges, lapel pins. There’s even more in the 52 page catalogue. Whyyyy???
3. Chump!
From string bean, to Green Giant
Another ad that made bold promises. Poor Joe, all skin and bone. After an embarrassing incident at the funfair, he decides to take action and go from being a chump to a champ. It only took him 15 mins a day. And it was all thanks to the Charles Atlas Programme.
Now Joe can beat up the old fart who taunted him and desperately cling on to the superficial girlfriend who only sees what’s on the outside. Well done, Joe! Who cares about inner happiness and being surrounded by genuine people? Joe doesn’t.
And there you have some hilarious ads from the past. No one cared for safety back then and mocked the near-death risks of these products. Children (and some adults apparently), were left more than disappointed when their crappy products arrived.
Needless to say, we've come a long way since then. Yet, there will always be something nostalgic about these adverts representing more innocent times, perhaps.
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